| Musings of a Tired Mind |
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| 01:00am 14/06/2009 |
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Man, I never thought I'd have such issues meeting guys. Actually, wait, scratch that, I really did. I knew perfectly well that out of high school, dating would be really hard for me. I suppose my only hope is online dating or making a male friend in the Vet Tech program. Ha! What guys are gonna be in a 25 person group working with animals? I have very little hope for meeting anyone there. I guess that leaves online dating. The problem there lies in the fact that I feel like I'm controlling my fate. I don't want to have a "pick and choose" boyfriend. I also feel like I scare off but the most desperate, and I don't know why. Bleh. Boys.
I don't even know if I'm ready to date, really. I mean, part of teh time I'm like "yeah look at all these cool people I can date now," and then a part of me is like " but there's so much effort and nervousness that goes into it. And I don't have to emotionally support another person." But then sometimes I go home and the lonliness is so crushing and so bleak that even talking to the friends I have online isn't enough. I miss the touch of another person, those hugs that mean "I want you to be with me" and never really quite end. I got so used to being merged with another person that I feel kind of lost without that feeling of warm touch. As much as I love my friends I can't necessarily "cuddle" with them. Part of my problem right now would be the fact that I really don't have a best friend. Missy gets close but I know that she's only temporary and I'll be essentially friendless once more. That part is going to suck. hopefully I'll make friends next fall, otherwise I'm kind of screwed. I miss voluntary hugs too. I never really get those any more. I always offer hugs, even to my family. It's not a "Surprise! I love you!" hug. I miss those. They always gave me warm fuzzies. I never realized how much I missed it till I started living totally alone after Robert broke up with me. I am beginning to have trouble remembering what we were like, which is unsurprising, but I didn't want to forget. It's like forgetting everything that's happened to me in the last three years. Which is a lot.
I have low days. I don't know whether this is a sign of healing or not, but hey are days when I can't help but think of every depressing thing that's happened in the last year, and every painfully sweet moment in my relationship with Robert. It gets to the point where I don't want to be home or alone because I don't know what I'm going to do. I try to write out the infection, but sometimes that doesn't help, and I worry, just a little, if every time I have a low day I might lose a little more of my mind. I want to go see someone, but I don't know if I'm okay enough to do it on my own.
Gah, I'm just messed up and it's late. If I go to bed I can hit the reset button on my emotions and maybe draw a lucky card for tomorrow. That would be awesome. |
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1 acorn - a leaf falls... |
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| 08:20am 09/05/2009 |
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Breaking up and dating other people kind of reminds me of bacteria, in a way. You start out with one creature with two halves, which split away for a while. Then, that one creature forms two halfs as well, and kind of pauses in the cycle. |
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1 acorn - a leaf falls... |
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| 10:32am 06/04/2009 |
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Help.
I feel so lost, and I'm afraid of what the future will bring. I don't think things are working out with that guy, and Robert doesn't care anymore. I'm bored beyond belief and there's really no one who cares around here. I shouldn't say that, because I know it's not true, but it certainly feels like it.
Distractions only work so long, apparently. Then your mind goes straight back to gnawing on all the problems in your life. When will all this stupid crap end? I just want things to go well for once in my freaking life and not have to keep losing people. I want something constant. I want Robert back and I want that stupid girl he's with to go away because if it wasn't for her we could have fixed what broke when mom died. If he had talked. If he had listened. If I had listened.
I'm standing on sand and the tide's coming in. I don't have my rock to hold on to when the water starts rushing around my feet. And I don't know if I remember how to swim.
I want to go somewhere. Road trip if I have to. I just want to leave and outrun all the stupid things that happened. Go to the desert or something and let the sun dry out all those wounds that are beginning to fester. But I also want someone to come with me...and I don't have that.
It kills me every time I think of him kissing another girl, of them doing things together, of the fact that she replaced me. To think of that romance that's supposed to be MINE, not hers. She doesn't deserve it. She hasn't put in the years of effort. She doesn't care enough. She just wants her fairytale ending. That was supposed to be mine, and she took it from me. |
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2 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| 11:35am 16/11/2008 |
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Well, yesterday was okay, but now I just feel lonely and want to curl up somewhere and cry. |
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2 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| 08:10pm 04/11/2008 |
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OBAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Dude, you got some big promises to fill in these next four years. Good luck. |
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a leaf falls... |
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| 07:36am 06/10/2008 |
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Mom died last night at 1:00 in the morning.
Memorial services will most likely be held saturday for those of you who said you would help me out and sing; let me know if you can make it- my number is 503-758-5085, or myspace message or email me or something.
Ah, Discordia... |
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5 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| 10:13am 05/10/2008 |
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Well, I've told a few people, but not many. I don't know why I'm making this announcement, but I feel it would be good for my high school friends, the few who check their journals anyway, to know what excactly has been going on for a while now.
In February, my mom had a stroke. I think I mentioned that. She was in the hospital for a good month, and we were all optimistic that she would recover well. That didn't really happen. I nstead she got worse, and startednot eating. This is while she was living with my grandma and I, by the way. Then she had an endoscopy and the doctors found a tumor in her small intestine, just past her stomach. A few days later, we found out that it was one of the most aggressive forms of lymphoma, and that the only treatment hey thought she could handle was chemo. We were optimistic since it was an incredibly tiny tumor, that it would be an easy fix.
Wrong.
It started to mess with her one remaining kidney, and so as of two weeks ago, the doctors decided to stop chemo, and mom has decided to stop living.
Yesterday, she went into a diabetic coma, as, unbeknownst to me, she had decided to stop taking her insulin.
Somehow, the rain is fitting, and only it and Robert can offer me any true comfmort. Yes it makes me feel better to talk to other people or family, but grief is a funny thing. IT makes you take the strangest things and connect them with whatever hurts the most.
This leads me to my next question. We're going to have a memorial service for her sometime, not sure when. Would any of my choir friends on here be interested in singing Loch Lomond with me at her service? I think I might still have the sheet music to it, if not I can find it somewhere. Let me know if you'd be willing to help me out with that, please. |
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7 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| Somehow I'm Not Surprised |
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| 12:04am 12/09/2008 |
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http://www.statesmanjournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200880910004
Go look! Check out the picture and name.
Yes my friends, that is indeed Keoki Rosimo. He was arrested for stealing a police car in Monmouth and driving away with it while high on pot and "an hallucinogenic drug."
He racked up an amazing amount of charges:
"Monmouth resident Keoki Rosimo, 19, is charged with felony attempt to elude, misdemeanor attempt to elude, disorderly conduct, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, driving under the influence of a controlled substance, failure to perform duties of a driver, reckless driving, first-degree theft, first-degree criminal mischief and two counts of harassment."
He tried to run away but got tasered XD I can't help but feel unsurprised, vindicated and slightly amused.
It's very nice to know the people who got away with a load of crap in school are finally paying for it now, even though they "supposedly" knew better. Also, I think it's funny that he is claiming he was just walking home when they arrested him. That police car looks pretty beat up for him to be "just walking home"
I am a terrible person XD |
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a leaf falls... |
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| My Daily Prayer |
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| 02:40pm 04/09/2008 |
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God, please grant me:
The strength to watch my mother get skinny to the point where she's just skin and bone
The will to keep from throwing up whenever I hear her retching
The tenacity to get out of this house
The stubbornness to go after what I want without feeling guilty
the calmness to withstand the verbal blame I get placed with when something isn't my fault
the wisdom to realize that death may not be far off
and the wit to make my peace with it
The knowledge that there are other happy things in life
the love for those who support me wholeheartedly
the faith that things will turn out okay in the end
the leveheadeness to win arguments
the flexibility to evade my mother's verbal barbs
the hope that maybe something will go right, someday
Amen |
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2 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| Because I have time and am NOT lazy, really: |
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| 09:42pm 03/09/2008 |
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Whooooo look I'm posting! XD
So, summer's been all right, I successfully transfered to PCC, with the exception of still needing to talk to loan people, and getting my award letter (should be in the friggin' mail soon, I hope) and things are still going well with Robert. I decided in about the middle of August that I was going to move out of grandma's house because I officially cannot stand to live around my family any more >_____<. So, if anyone knows of any good job opportunities, if you could let me knowthat would be great. It looks like I'll be renting Peter's house with another girl that I found, forgive me, on Craigslist. She's from Grant's Pass, and is in the program in PCC that I want to get into. Actually, today I drove to Salem, met up with Robert and we drove to Eugene to meet Lindsey, and she is awesome XD. She does Guide Dog training and has a guide-dog flunkie that she kept for herself, so we're going to have adog around. Also, I believe I can use some of my financial aid for room and board, so that makes things easier as far as finding a job. It was funny though, just for a fact that the first question was "Do you have a backup plan?" XD I'm really hoping this works out because I want to live by myself for one in my life. And I want a cat XD.
Also, if this works out, who thinks they might be around halloween? I'm thinking par-teh. Cause I want to see people.
In other news I am excited because Robert and I are going to the beach next week. It's gonna be fun^^ |
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a leaf falls... |
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| Kitty Updaaaate~ |
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| 09:24pm 30/06/2008 |
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So I took Dickens to the vet (aaahhh air conditioning I love you so much)and I gues he's just got some sort of bladder inflammation. I have to give him medicine, but at least one's a pill and the other is a not!banana flavored liquid syringe thing. So, he'll be okay after the medicine. Just thought you should know.
Someone now owes me $119.75...*grumble* |
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4 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| I'm keeping my eye on you... |
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| 01:26pm 03/06/2008 |
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So, for those of you I haven't told, I got a parakeet yesterday! I named it Kiho, which I believe is the Japanese word for "fog." The birdy is light blue with white wings and a white head. It's really pretty, and I'm looking forward to when I can actually tell the gender. It's too young right now, so I'm calling it "it" until it gets older, even though I feel weird not referring to a gender XD. It's still a little scared, but getting better and is sitting on a perch in the cage rather than clinging to a wall or sitting on the floor of the cage.
( Really long post alert! ) |
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2 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| I realized something a few minutes ago... |
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| 11:43am 17/03/2008 |
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You know what, people of Forest Grove? I realized something today. So we all complain a whine and moan about how we hate the stupid hick town we live in and how we can't wait to get out in the world and actually prove ourselves, rather than have people think we come from nowhere and are all "DUHURR I LIKE KILLING THINGS AND CAMOFLAGE," right?
Well, now graduated people, how many of us would rather just go back home because it's safe, familiar and not as smelly as Portland can be at times? XD *raises hand* I've heard so many people complain, which I guess I find really amusing. I'm not saying it's a bad thing- I mean, I'm one of those complainers. It's just really freakin' funny.
What does it prove, you ask?
We're all just a bunch of whiners XD. Go us. |
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6 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| Good things come to those who wait... |
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| 10:27am 05/03/2008 |
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So.
Mom's being much improved- she's awake, talking and apparently could see a few things yesterday too. she got moved out of ICU, so now I get to go to the ninth floor. She remembers more things now, and I can see flashes of mom coming through every once in a while. I promised her a jamba juice XD. So, she's getting better and I'm happier. Also, I have more news but I have to wait on that till the person involved says I can say X3.
This just in:
I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW
*dances*
Assuming I don't be full of fail and not get the interview down, I'll be a receptionist in an optometry office in hillsboro. Hopefully I have the interview on friday. Wish me luck =^______________^= |
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4 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| Update |
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| 09:55pm 25/02/2008 |
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mood:  indescribable
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Well... It doesn't look good.
Mom's been off sedatives for more than 24 hours now, but she's still on a breathing tube. The EEG she got says that her brain function is concernably low, but she reacts to pain.. She's retaining water, so she's all puffed up too. At least, no more seizures. Basically, she's in a coma.
I really don't like the idea of maybe having to pull the plug on her if things don't improve. I don't like the idea of them selling the house and sticking her in a nursing home.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow and listen to pointless shit. I don't want to socialize, I don't even want to talk. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of eating, sick of people saying I'm sorry, even though I appreciate people saying it. I want it to be OVER.
I want my mommy back. |
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3 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| 2007 in a nutshell! |
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| 09:36pm 31/12/2007 |
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Let's see...
In 2007 I:
Successfully completed my Senior Project
Found a liking for House
Got a job XD
got a car
Took an AP class
survived said AP class
got a laptop
had a one year anniversary with my love ^_^
Got accepted by my college of choice
moved out of home
Made a new friend
survived my first semester of college
Made friends with Robert's roomates
dealt with crazy people on the max
went grocery shopping for the first time
got an ipod
GRADUATED
Went to state with choir
annnnd so much more! Haha I know that was cheesy, but seriously, that's all I can remember right now. Anyway, happy new year everyone. Hope the new year goes as good or better than 2007! |
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a leaf falls... |
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| 12:51pm 21/12/2007 |
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA
now to sleep and play video games. X3 |
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2 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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| *is unhappy* |
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| 02:29pm 18/12/2007 |
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Mrrrrrrr..... Robert's on a plane to New Hampshire right now... Till the 26th. I is not happy.
Well, okay I am a little, but only cause I have a kitty for a month! I'm taking care of a friend's cat while she goes home to washington, because her parents are like, deathly allergic to cats >.> His name is Kadaj (YES I KNOW), he's six months old, with long, fluffy gray and white fur, and has already managed to break something overnight. |
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2 acorns - a leaf falls... |
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