Find Your Way In Darkness

autumn_sparks @ 2009-11-09T20:10:00

2009-11-10T04:34:41Z

...It's been a while, hasn't it.

I don't even remember the last thing I wrote. I think something I wrote on one of my low days. It's so nice not to have them anymore, even if for the simple fact that I am TOO BUSY to have low days.

School's a bitch. But it's a fun bitch, and despite being chewed on, stepping in urine and feces on a nigh-regular basis, studying so much that I see things and say words related to A&P in my sleep, I'm growing to love what I'm doing more and more. I KNOW things now. I can feel myself learning, and it's amazing what I'm absorbing purely through osmosis. I got a 20 out of 20 on my last medical terminology quiz, and I know what an intravenous pyelogram is. I can tell you the cycle a dairy cow goes through (45-90 days of sexual rest, breeding at 3 months, milking for 7, and then dry penning for two thn the process starts over, for those who care to know,) and I can identify at least 7 breeds of beef cattle, 7 breeds of sheep, and 4 breeds of goats. This does cause me to have headaches from thinking so hard, but it's great to have a challenge.

School's also made me realize what well-behaved, disciplined and somewhat neglected animals I have. My poor dog just doesn't get enough attention despite being the sweet dog he is. I've started paying more attention to him, and he just soaks it up like a sponge. The cat is annoying, but he's always been that way.

For those who don't know, I met a boy at Kumoricon. I suppose I can't call him a boy, since he's not, but "man" just brings to mind a wolverine-esque mental image. Anyway, his name is Drew, and he is... amazing. I really have no other word for it besides that. We're partners and friends, and though we both have our problems with life, we try our best not to let those things get in the way. I end up laughing that sort of laugh that makes your stomach hurt afterward at least once every time I see him. I think we're good for each other.

I feel slightly bad, because between wanting to spend time with Drew and school, my online life has suffered a bit. I'm afraid I've somehow offended at least one person, and I don't like that it's somewhat strained between us. I miss everyone, but when I'm at home, now all I want to do is catch up on sleep, or I've got homework I need to do. I can't much talk about pokemon anyway, since I don't have a DS or the latest pokemon game. maybe I'll get my gameboy SP out and go old school XD. I'm worried about some of my friends, and the choices they're making, and I marvel at how amazingly stupid some incredibly smart people can be. I miss AF, but after the summer fiasco, I'm finding it just as hard to continue as then. I really don't want to give up, or even take a hiatus, but it just seems like work. Which, I suppose it is. I miss it being fun though, and I miss having ideas. Maybe I just have too many characters? I don't know, whatever the case, I'm sorry all you AF-peeps who read this. I'll try to make it up to you on my breaks. Especially you, Saki-chan, you work so hard!

I'm gonna wrap this up now and go do my homework for tomorrow. Daily duties and horse enrichment mean I'll have no time before class. Boo.

--<3

Musings of a Tired Mind

2009-06-14T08:29:06Z

Man, I never thought I'd have such issues meeting guys. Actually, wait, scratch that, I really did. I knew perfectly well that out of high school, dating would be really hard for me. I suppose my only hope is online dating or making a male friend in the Vet Tech program. Ha! What guys are gonna be in a 25 person group working with animals? I have very little hope for meeting anyone there. I guess that leaves online dating. The problem there lies in the fact that I feel like I'm controlling my fate. I don't want to have a "pick and choose" boyfriend. I also feel like I scare off but the most desperate, and I don't know why. Bleh. Boys.

I don't even know if I'm ready to date, really. I mean, part of teh time I'm like "yeah look at all these cool people I can date now," and then a part of me is like " but there's so much effort and nervousness that goes into it. And I don't have to emotionally support another person." But then sometimes I go home and the lonliness is so crushing and so bleak that even talking to the friends I have online isn't enough. I miss the touch of another person, those hugs that mean "I want you to be with me" and never really quite end. I got so used to being merged with another person that I feel kind of lost without that feeling of warm touch. As much as I love my friends I can't necessarily "cuddle" with them. Part of my problem right now would be the fact that I really don't have a best friend. Missy gets close but I know that she's only temporary and I'll be essentially friendless once more. That part is going to suck. hopefully I'll make friends next fall, otherwise I'm kind of screwed. I miss voluntary hugs too. I never really get those any more. I always offer hugs, even to my family. It's not a "Surprise! I love you!" hug. I miss those. They always gave me warm fuzzies. I never realized how much I missed it till I started living totally alone after Robert broke up with me. I am beginning to have trouble remembering what we were like, which is unsurprising, but I didn't want to forget. It's like forgetting everything that's happened to me in the last three years. Which is a lot.

I have low days. I don't know whether this is a sign of healing or not, but hey are days when I can't help but think of every depressing thing that's happened in the last year, and every painfully sweet moment in my relationship with Robert. It gets to the point where I don't want to be home or alone because I don't know what I'm going to do. I try to write out the infection, but sometimes that doesn't help, and I worry, just a little, if every time I have a low day I might lose a little more of my mind. I want to go see someone, but I don't know if I'm okay enough to do it on my own.

Gah, I'm just messed up and it's late. If I go to bed I can hit the reset button on my emotions and maybe draw a lucky card for tomorrow. That would be awesome.

autumn_sparks @ 2009-05-09T08:20:00

2009-05-09T15:22:07Z

Breaking up and dating other people kind of reminds me of bacteria, in a way. You start out with one creature with two halves, which split away for a while. Then, that one creature forms two halfs as well, and kind of pauses in the cycle.

autumn_sparks @ 2009-04-06T10:32:00

2009-04-06T17:59:22Z

Help.

I feel so lost, and I'm afraid of what the future will bring. I don't think things are working out with that guy, and Robert doesn't care anymore. I'm bored beyond belief and there's really no one who cares around here. I shouldn't say that, because I know it's not true, but it certainly feels like it.

Distractions only work so long, apparently. Then your mind goes straight back to gnawing on all the problems in your life. When will all this stupid crap end? I just want things to go well for once in my freaking life and not have to keep losing people. I want something constant. I want Robert back and I want that stupid girl he's with to go away because if it wasn't for her we could have fixed what broke when mom died. If he had talked. If he had listened. If I had listened.

I'm standing on sand and the tide's coming in. I don't have my rock to hold on to when the water starts rushing around my feet. And I don't know if I remember how to swim.

I want to go somewhere. Road trip if I have to. I just want to leave and outrun all the stupid things that happened. Go to the desert or something and let the sun dry out all those wounds that are beginning to fester. But I also want someone to come with me...and I don't have that.

It kills me every time I think of him kissing another girl, of them doing things together, of the fact that she replaced me. To think of that romance that's supposed to be MINE, not hers. She doesn't deserve it. She hasn't put in the years of effort. She doesn't care enough. She just wants her fairytale ending. That was supposed to be mine, and she took it from me.

autumn_sparks @ 2008-12-24T23:46:00

2008-12-25T07:56:58Z

I've done everything right
christmas lights, a tree
even listened to all the carols
but it's nothing like it used to be

I won't wake up tomorrow
with a single present there
my stocking filled with little things
all wrapped up tight with care

I'll go to sleep tonight
content with all my plans
missing out on every traditon
created by her hands

I know I should be grateful
to have all this extra love
with all my extra family
I'm still a cut above

but my heart's still being torn in two
from all the things I miss
I know I can't go back in time
but still my biggest wish

Is to have her come around again
just for one last holiday
and as the clock ticks toward midnight
I know just what I'd say:

Merry christmas, Mom
I hope you're having fun
one great big cosmic party
that's only just begun

I hope on some occasions
you take a look around
remember how it used to be
with your feet still stuck on ground

Think of your only daughter
and how much she misses you
and raise your glass in a toast
and know I'm thinking of you too

Merry Christmas, everyone.

autumn_sparks @ 2008-11-16T11:35:00

2008-11-16T19:37:07Z

Well, yesterday was okay, but now I just feel lonely and want to curl up somewhere and cry.

autumn_sparks @ 2008-11-04T20:10:00

2008-11-05T04:10:58Z

OBAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Dude, you got some big promises to fill in these next four years. Good luck.

autumn_sparks @ 2008-10-06T07:36:00

2008-10-06T14:38:33Z

Mom died last night at 1:00 in the morning.

Memorial services will most likely be held saturday for those of you who said you would help me out and sing; let me know if you can make it- my number is 503-758-5085, or myspace message or email me or something.

Ah, Discordia...

autumn_sparks @ 2008-10-05T10:13:00

2008-10-05T17:24:12Z

Well, I've told a few people, but not many. I don't know why I'm making this announcement, but I feel it would be good for my high school friends, the few who check their journals anyway, to know what excactly has been going on for a while now.

In February, my mom had a stroke. I think I mentioned that. She was in the hospital for a good month, and we were all optimistic that she would recover well. That didn't really happen. I nstead she got worse, and startednot eating. This is while she was living with my grandma and I, by the way. Then she had an endoscopy and the doctors found a tumor in her small intestine, just past her stomach. A few days later, we found out that it was one of the most aggressive forms of lymphoma, and that the only treatment hey thought she could handle was chemo. We were optimistic since it was an incredibly tiny tumor, that it would be an easy fix.

Wrong.

It started to mess with her one remaining kidney, and so as of two weeks ago, the doctors decided to stop chemo, and mom has decided to stop living.

Yesterday, she went into a diabetic coma, as, unbeknownst to me, she had decided to stop taking her insulin.

Somehow, the rain is fitting, and only it and Robert can offer me any true comfmort. Yes it makes me feel better to talk to other people or family, but grief is a funny thing. IT makes you take the strangest things and connect them with whatever hurts the most.

This leads me to my next question. We're going to have a memorial service for her sometime, not sure when. Would any of my choir friends on here be interested in singing Loch Lomond with me at her service? I think I might still have the sheet music to it, if not I can find it somewhere. Let me know if you'd be willing to help me out with that, please.

Somehow I'm Not Surprised

2008-09-12T07:10:18Z

http://www.statesmanjournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200880910004

Go look! Check out the picture and name.

Yes my friends, that is indeed Keoki Rosimo. He was arrested for stealing a police car in Monmouth and driving away with it while high on pot and "an hallucinogenic drug."

He racked up an amazing amount of charges:

"Monmouth resident Keoki Rosimo, 19, is charged with felony attempt to elude, misdemeanor attempt to elude, disorderly conduct, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle, driving under the influence of a controlled substance, failure to perform duties of a driver, reckless driving, first-degree theft, first-degree criminal mischief and two counts of harassment."

He tried to run away but got tasered XD I can't help but feel unsurprised, vindicated and slightly amused.

It's very nice to know the people who got away with a load of crap in school are finally paying for it now, even though they "supposedly" knew better. Also, I think it's funny that he is claiming he was just walking home when they arrested him. That police car looks pretty beat up for him to be "just walking home"

I am a terrible person XD

My Daily Prayer

2008-09-04T21:49:51Z

God, please grant me:

The strength to watch my mother get skinny to the point where she's just skin and bone
The will to keep from throwing up whenever I hear her retching
The tenacity to get out of this house

The stubbornness to go after what I want without feeling guilty
the calmness to withstand the verbal blame I get placed with when something isn't my fault
the wisdom to realize that death may not be far off
and the wit to make my peace with it

The knowledge that there are other happy things in life
the love for those who support me wholeheartedly
the faith that things will turn out okay in the end

the leveheadeness to win arguments
the flexibility to evade my mother's verbal barbs
the hope that maybe something will go right, someday

Amen

Because I have time and am NOT lazy, really:

2008-09-04T04:55:15Z

Whooooo look I'm posting! XD

So, summer's been all right, I successfully transfered to PCC, with the exception of still needing to talk to loan people, and getting my award letter (should be in the friggin' mail soon, I hope) and things are still going well with Robert. I decided in about the middle of August that I was going to move out of grandma's house because I officially cannot stand to live around my family any more >_____<. So, if anyone knows of any good job opportunities, if you could let me knowthat would be great. It looks like I'll be renting Peter's house with another girl that I found, forgive me, on Craigslist. She's from Grant's Pass, and is in the program in PCC that I want to get into. Actually, today I drove to Salem, met up with Robert and we drove to Eugene to meet Lindsey, and she is awesome XD. She does Guide Dog training and has a guide-dog flunkie that she kept for herself, so we're going to have adog around. Also, I believe I can use some of my financial aid for room and board, so that makes things easier as far as finding a job. It was funny though, just for a fact that the first question was "Do you have a backup plan?" XD I'm really hoping this works out because I want to live by myself for one in my life. And I want a cat XD.

Also, if this works out, who thinks they might be around halloween? I'm thinking par-teh. Cause I want to see people.

In other news I am excited because Robert and I are going to the beach next week. It's gonna be fun^^

Kitty Updaaaate~

2008-07-01T04:23:12Z

So I took Dickens to the vet (aaahhh air conditioning I love you so much)and I gues he's just got some sort of bladder inflammation. I have to give him medicine, but at least one's a pill and the other is a not!banana flavored liquid syringe thing. So, he'll be okay after the medicine. Just thought you should know.

Someone now owes me $119.75...*grumble*

I'm keeping my eye on you...

2008-06-03T20:47:01Z

So, for those of you I haven't told, I got a parakeet yesterday! I named it Kiho, which I believe is the Japanese word for "fog." The birdy is light blue with white wings and a white head. It's really pretty, and I'm looking forward to when I can actually tell the gender. It's too young right now, so I'm calling it "it" until it gets older, even though I feel weird not referring to a gender XD. It's still a little scared, but getting better and is sitting on a perch in the cage rather than clinging to a wall or sitting on the floor of the cage.

In other news, I've been out of school for a while now, and I registered for PCC instead. I find it funny I'm looking forward to having a schedule full of science and math rather than art stuff. Well, I guess it just goes to show that I wasn't really cut out for PNCA anyway.

Mom's getting better, but she's still living with Grandma and I. I'm kinda getting tired of seeing Peter all the time, especially when he spends the night because he sleeps in the room next to mine and snores really loud. And I have no earplugs. I kind of miss living at home just because it was me and mom, and as much as we argued, we knew each other and knew how to act around each other. Grandma doesn't really know how to act aroundm and I don't really know how to act around Grandma. I think she wants to keep treating me like I'm a little kid, and I do not want to be treated like a little kid. She likes to come up to me while I'm eating lunch or breakfast and reading the paper and talk to me, or just sit there and stare at me. It's kind of unnerving.

Um....Lets see... Robert and I are still together, we hit two years a couple weeks ago, which was cool. I did indeed get a new job, working as the receptionist for the eye doctor in the hillsboro Costco (no I'm not actually a costco employee, no I can't get you free eye exams for those of my dear friends who wear glasses XD) IT doesn't pay terribly much, but then again, I only work eight hours a week. I'll get to work a little more in july and then I get to work for like...forty-eight hours in one week during august cause the weekday receptionist is getting married.

Oh yes, and for your pleasure for bearing with me this long, a little anecdote about getting a parakeet yesterday. So, the place I got Kiho was a little shop of of division street in Portland, and so we went to lunch at a Burger King just past the place. I get out of the car, grandma gets out of the car, all is good. Then I realize that one of my doors is still unlocked, so I go to lock it, and something warm and wet lands on my head and sleeve.

That's right. It was bird crap.

So, I cleaned up and went inside. I washed my hands, we ordered and sat down. Well, a guy sitting about halfway across the room from us saw that we were playing the little scratch-it game they had and gave us his game piece. That was neat, but then later he came over and said "you are a very pretty lady," to me and left. I was like "the hell?" I did not miss the irony that the only time something like this has hapened to me is RIGHT AFTER I GOT POOPED ON BY A BIRD. Figures...

Yeah, and so I was getting into the car after we got Kiho and slammed the side of my head into the door frame of my car. I have a lovely black eye now and it hurts.

It's surprising how little news I have since the last time I posted, but hey, there you go. I want to get together with some of you people! I miss my high school friends. I miss gossip! At PNCA apparently everyone was so enlightened that gossip, no matter the subject was frowned upon and it made me a little sad...

I realized something a few minutes ago...

2008-03-17T18:52:16Z

You know what, people of Forest Grove? I realized something today. So we all complain a whine and moan about how we hate the stupid hick town we live in and how we can't wait to get out in the world and actually prove ourselves, rather than have people think we come from nowhere and are all "DUHURR I LIKE KILLING THINGS AND CAMOFLAGE," right?

Well, now graduated people, how many of us would rather just go back home because it's safe, familiar and not as smelly as Portland can be at times? XD *raises hand* I've heard so many people complain, which I guess I find really amusing. I'm not saying it's a bad thing- I mean, I'm one of those complainers. It's just really freakin' funny.

What does it prove, you ask?

We're all just a bunch of whiners XD. Go us.

Good things come to those who wait...

2008-03-05T18:30:57Z

So.

Mom's being much improved- she's awake, talking and apparently could see a few things yesterday too. she got moved out of ICU, so now I get to go to the ninth floor. She remembers more things now, and I can see flashes of mom coming through every once in a while. I promised her a jamba juice XD. So, she's getting better and I'm happier. Also, I have more news but I have to wait on that till the person involved says I can say X3.

This just in:

I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW

*dances*

Assuming I don't be full of fail and not get the interview down, I'll be a receptionist in an optometry office in hillsboro. Hopefully I have the interview on friday. Wish me luck =^______________^=

Update

2008-02-26T06:03:43Z

Well... It doesn't look good.

Mom's been off sedatives for more than 24 hours now, but she's still on a breathing tube. The EEG she got says that her brain function is concernably low, but she reacts to pain.. She's retaining water, so she's all puffed up too. At least, no more seizures. Basically, she's in a coma.

I really don't like the idea of maybe having to pull the plug on her if things don't improve. I don't like the idea of them selling the house and sticking her in a nursing home.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow and listen to pointless shit. I don't want to socialize, I don't even want to talk. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of eating, sick of people saying I'm sorry, even though I appreciate people saying it. I want it to be OVER.

I want my mommy back.

2007 in a nutshell!

2008-01-01T05:46:05Z

Let's see...

In 2007 I:

Successfully completed my Senior Project
Found a liking for House
Got a job XD
got a car
Took an AP class
survived said AP class
got a laptop
had a one year anniversary with my love ^_^
Got accepted by my college of choice
moved out of home
Made a new friend
survived my first semester of college
Made friends with Robert's roomates
dealt with crazy people on the max
went grocery shopping for the first time
got an ipod
GRADUATED
Went to state with choir
annnnd so much more! Haha I know that was cheesy, but seriously, that's all I can remember right now. Anyway, happy new year everyone. Hope the new year goes as good or better than 2007!

autumn_sparks @ 2007-12-21T12:51:00

2007-12-21T20:52:49Z

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

now to sleep and play video games. X3

is unhappy

2007-12-18T22:32:18Z

Mrrrrrrr..... Robert's on a plane to New Hampshire right now... Till the 26th. I is not happy.

Well, okay I am a little, but only cause I have a kitty for a month! I'm taking care of a friend's cat while she goes home to washington, because her parents are like, deathly allergic to cats >.> His name is Kadaj (YES I KNOW), he's six months old, with long, fluffy gray and white fur, and has already managed to break something overnight.

Wow, two posts in one day- I must be insane!

2007-12-12T07:05:45Z

So, uh... I have this rash-WAIT YOU GUYS THIS IS SERIOUS XD Yeah, on saturday I washed a bunch of dishes while wearing rubber gloves, in a huge sink full of cheap detergent and another sink full of water containing bleach. So, of course, since my skin goes OMGWTF if something foreign or could possibly be considered an irritant touches it, I have a lovely rash that goes from the backs of my hands, down the underside of my forearms and a little way past my elbows. It annoys me, but at least it doesn't itch like poison oak.

And on to my reason for posting! X3

Yeah so I miss every single one of my FGHS friends TT_____TT. I don't get out of school till the 21st and then pretty much by the time I'm done with the busy-ness that comes with working at the mall during the holidays, everyone's gonna be back in school. And to be honest, that's really depressing. I kinda feel like I've been forgotten, just because I've been buried with everything and can't talk to anyone. Nearly every day I think about how it was SO EASY that last year of high school. Sure I was stressed about senior projects and what not, but at least I had the assurance of seeing everyone every day, whether I wanted to or not, in an environment that wouldn't tear me down to a small shred of humanity, like it happens at my school at least once a day. And my goodness that school was WARM. Oh how I miss not having to wear my jacket, scarf, hat and gloves to just be slightly comfortable. Freakin' building >.>... But now? I hardly ever hear from anyone. No phone calls, no email. I suppose everyone's as busy as me, but still... Myspace and livejournal just isn't an acceptable substitute. Oh, I can text now, if you have verizon.Now don't get me wrong, I love Robert, and I like my friends at school, but with the exception of maybe one person I just don't have that connection I had with you guys. I want to cry every time I think of how I have to miss the winter choir concert and all the plays and stuff because I have school and work. College is supposed to be the best part of your life, right? So far, college sucks. -___-

Just so you know I'm still alive...

2007-12-07T07:30:34Z

You turn out all the lights
and close the door
it seems you've gotten
all you've ever asked for
but then you take a look around
and find out all the good you've found
is nothing compared to what you had to leave

cause you're too far gone
and not quite there
and everything in between
you're everything that you wanted
but nothing that you need
you left everything behind
in hopes for something new
you thought you'd made up your mind
and now you've lost it too

you turn out all the lights
and close the door
and wander on the street
it's the middle of the night
and no one cares
that you're not asleep

cause you're too far gone
and not quite there
and everything in between
you're everything that you wanted
but nothing that you need
you left everything behind
in hopes for something new
you thought you'd made up your mind
and now you've lost it too

dreaming senseless dreams
has lost it's charm
talking only seems to do less good
and laughing just does harm

cause you're too far gone
and not quite there
and everything in between
you're everything that you wanted
but nothing that you need
you left everything behind
in hopes for something new
you thought you'd made up your mind
and now you've lost it too

You turn out all the lights
and close the door
it seems you've gotten
all you've ever asked for
but then you take a look around
and find out all the good you've found
is nothing compared to what you had to leave

Wheeeeeeeeeeee

2007-10-09T06:38:36Z

Yeah so here's kinda sorta update since my computer with XP FINALLY STARTED WORKING XD. Robert, the wonderful guy he is, fixed it for me^^. And I have the intarwebs. That's nice. Now I've just got to find my tablet programs when I go back to mom's and I'll be set. I'm looking forward to drawing stuff and scanning stuff and printing stuff. Especially printing.

School's fine, but really busy. We're coming up on midterms soon, although it just doesn't hold as much weight when you know you don't actually have any tests to study for. although, I have yet to get an A. Stupid subjective grading...

And then there's work. It's okay.... I just wish I made more than minimum wage. Especially for the amount of people I have to deal with every day. That and I feel like I should be working somewhere else rather than the food court of the freakin' mall. It's close though. I'd still rather work at petsmart or something like that. They don't require you to greet every person as they walk by. Which, you know, I'd do if they came in to the store, but I mean, I wouldn't be pushy about it or anything like we have to be at work. That and they're so friggin' perky! AGH I can't stand that in the morning....

Yeah. That's about it for now, methinks. See you guys later.

autumn_sparks @ 2007-09-30T20:34:00

2007-10-01T03:35:12Z

Happy Birthday a day late, Laura!

autumn_sparks @ 2007-09-03T22:38:00

2007-09-04T05:39:39Z

I START SCHOOL TOMORROW YO